“We Need To Talk”

 When you look at its core, what is a fight about? It is about trying to be connected. It is about trying to be heard. You are longing to be understood by your partner and it is stressful when they don’t recognize your point of view. That’s why research has shown it is not what you fight about, but how you repair that connection. 

Learning how to talk about fighting is a solid first step in conflict resolution. How to talk about it comes down to the timing. Your partner just got under your skin, do you let them know about it now? Tensions are high, when is a good time to talk about it to try to get over the disagreement? To learn the process, start by learning about what you do.

If you’re mad right now, I know that’s not what you want to hear. I also know you want to feel better right now, so that takes some accountability.


“…it is not what you fight about, but how you repair that connection.”

Our “Fighting Mask”.

When we are in an argument, we are likely having an abundance of thoughts and emotions. We might be feeling hurt, sad, lonely, shame, stress, fear, etc. We put a mask on that looks and feels like anger, frustration, or perhaps resentment. We are looking for that connection but our mask can push our partners away. Processing the mask and the underlying truth with our partners after the disagreement can result in a strong and intimate relationship.

Is It The Right Time To Talk?

Do you actually have the time? You cannot fit this conversation in over breakfast before running to work. You need the adequate amount of free space to be present for your partner.

“Processing” means you are able to have a conversation about the disagreement without falling right back into the fight. 

  • How much time has passed? It should be a minimum of at least 20 minutes; however, a couple of days is okay too. 
  • Have you had a calm or a stressful day? If you had a shitty day at work, let’s not add more fuel to the fire.

Think about your fight as if it were outside of your relationship. It’s not you, it’s not me, it’s not our relationship, but it’s the _______ (insert the issue here). This helps create a bit of an emotional pad during the discussion. It’s the “dishes” and not our relationship. 

Are you able to hear your partner’s experience? Not the facts of the argument, but what was going on for them. 

Can you talk about your experience without trying to score points? Again, this isn’t about you or them, but about the problem at hand. 

Reconnecting: It’s The Right Time So Now What?

  1. Express what was going on for you during the disagreement. The goal here is to focus on your experience and not put all the blame on your partner. Again, you want to be heard so avoid harsh start ups that would make your partner automatically go on the defense. You aren’t going to be perfect, so if you see your partner get defensive, let them know you want to rephrase that. 
  2. Validate one another’s experiences. See their perspective and push for a true understanding. You may not agree with their point of view, but it’s not about agreeing – it’s about hearing them out. 
  3. Do not try to solve it. Do not respond with answers or solutions. Just focus on their experiences. 
  4. Learn what makes one another get fired up. If you have a word that just drives you crazy, then tell your partner. Trust that they will use it for good. It’s the partners goal here to understand the hurt, to learn to do it less often. 
  5. Take ownership. See how these points balance out a bit. You are hearing your partner, and they are hearing you. You are learning their sparks, and they are learning yours. Now you need to take some ownership. Be honest here. Don’t force it, be authentic, and use this time to learn from one another. 


Life Isn’t Puppies And Rainbows

The steps above are easier said than done. Quite frankly, I’d be surprised if even 10% of couples had conversations like this. I get it. The steps are written here to be informative and help aid in the conversation. At the same time, you are living your life. Learn these points and start implementing them the best you can. As you get going, it can become more natural in your communication styles. 

Above all, just remember the ultimate goal: to be connected, not to win. If you go into conversations with that mentality you are already ahead of where you were during the argument!

We Need To Talk: Embark on a Journey of Communication and Understanding

As the discussion in “We Need To Talk” draws to a close, I want to highlight that this is merely the start of a profound journey toward improved communication and deeper understanding. In my blog, I consistently share insights, offering practical advice, uplifting stories, and the newest approaches in communication strategies and emotional wellness. These are specially crafted to bolster your understanding and connection in your relationships.

I invite you to join me on this compelling journey. Your distinctive perspectives and experiences are incredibly valuable, greatly enriching our joint exploration. In the spirit of “We Need To Talk,” we will unravel the complexities of communication, delve into the intricacies of relationships, and learn innovative ways to strengthen our connections.

Stay updated and connected:

Your active participation is deeply appreciated, and I am excited to continue this journey with you under the banner of “We Need To Talk.” Let’s maintain this crucial conversation, collectively growing in our comprehension and practice of effective communication and emotional wellness.

Your Insights Are Vital

Your thoughts and feedback are essential, especially in the context of “We Need To Talk.” They help mold the content to ensure it stays pertinent, useful, and motivating. I warmly welcome any reflections or experiences you wish to share, particularly those related to “We Need To Talk.” Your input is an integral part of our shared path.

Explore More on My Blog

Curious about delving deeper into the realms of therapy, relationships, and personal growth? My blogs are a treasure trove of insights and tips waiting to be discovered. From understanding the dynamics of communication to fostering self-growth, there’s a wealth of knowledge to explore. Dive into my curated content and embark on a journey of personal development and deeper relationship understanding today!

Let’s embark on this journey together, fostering a community brimming with learning, inspiration, and mutual support!



 

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