Emotional Flooding – Know What It Is And How To Manage It

 

Emotional Flooding – Know What It Is And How To Manage It

Emotional flooding is a term created by Dr. John Gottman to describe the physiological and psychological reaction that happens when we are experiencing a high level of anxiety. It is when you are feeling overwhelmed during conflict. When you are flooded effective communication becomes extremely difficult as it is nearly impossible to have a valuable conversation focused on solving the problem. Let’s figure out how to deal with being flooded to create valuable conversations in times of distress. 

When It Happens

So you’re arguing with your partner. Things are starting to escalate and then bam, your partner says something that brings you to your knees. Your brain might go numb or it might be heated. On your metaphorical knees, you only hear things that feed your anger, hurt, fear, or anxiety instead of creating a potential solution. 

To know if you experience emotional flooding, respond to these statements with a true or false. 

  • Our discussions get too heated.
  • I have a hard time calming down.
  • One of us is going to say something we will regret.
  • My partner gets too upset.
  • After a fight, I want to keep my distance.
  • My partner yells unnecessarily.
  • I feel overwhelmed by our arguments.
  • I can’t think straight when my partner gets hostile.
  • Why can’t we talk more logically?
  • My partner’s negativity often comes out of nowhere. 
  • There’s often no stopping my partner’s temper.
  • I feel like running away during our fights.
  • Small issues suddenly become big ones.
  • I can’t calm down very easily during an argument.
  • My partner has a long list of unreasonable demands. 

Score: One point for each “true” answer. 

A score of below 6: Flooding is not a significant issue in your relationship. You can still learn from the following tools if you believe your partner experiences flooding or if you want more information about conflict resolution skills.

A score of 6 or higher: Your score suggests that you tend to get flooded during arguments with your partner. Flooding almost ensures that your discussion won’t end the conflict because you are feeling too worked up to take in the information your partner is trying to communicate. You will likely be unable to learn or use effective conflict-resolution skills. If this is you, let’s learn more about how to work through this experience.


For men, it is harder for your bodies to calm down after an argument than a woman’s body.


 The Physiological Reaction.

When this event occurs, your body responds in a fight or flight response. We are only reacting to what is in front of us instead of responding effectively by seeing the whole picture. Your body’s response can be seen in your heart rate when it exceeds 100 beats per minute (80 if you are an athlete). If you don’t have a pulse oximeter handy, count the number of times your heart beats for 15 seconds and multiply that number by 4. Other body symptoms can vary from person to person. Even as a therapist, sometimes a client may look calm and collected; however, I find out they are flooded when I measure their heart rate. 

Solutions

  • If I titled this section “THE solution” this is it. Walk Away. Yes. When are you flooded you need to step away from the heated discussion – for at least 20 minutes. For some partners, this will be hard for them to understand. They may say, “Don’t walk away” or “We need to finish this discussion”. To some degree, they aren’t wrong. At the same time you need time to hear what they are saying, instead of how they are saying it. When we are flooded we are incapable of doing this. If this is something they struggle with, sit down when the energy isn’t as fired up to discuss what to do in this situation.

A recommendation: if you are the one to need a break during an argument, then you need to be the one to initiate the conversation when you have calmed down. This will show your partner that the conversation is important to you and that you want to come to a resolution with them – you just need the time to do so.

  • Self-soothing. What techniques work for you to calm down? Typically when people are flooded, their breathing is negatively impacted. They typically hold their breath or breathe shallowly. If you don’t have a self-soothing technique, I have another suggestion to try specifically aimed to help regulate your breathing patterns:

1. Sit in a comfortable chair or lie on your back on the floor.

2. Focus on controlling your breathing. Close your eyes and take deep, regular breaths.

3. Relax your muscles. Start with one section at a time. First, tightly squeeze one muscle at a time that seems tense, hold for two seconds, and then release. Start with your toes, then your calves, your thighs, and move up. 

4. Let the tension release from each muscle group and get the muscle group to feel heavy by imagining that it is weighed down.

5. As you are doing this, get your body to feel warmth. Some people find it effective to imagine a place they find peaceful such as the beach or your favorite hiking trail – a place that brings you positive warm energy.

  • Partner-Soothing. This is only effective once you have calmed yourself down for at least 20 minutes. Once you are feeling calm, it can be beneficial to have this time with your partner. Yes, you are both still hurt or angry, and yet you are still in a relationship. You are still connected. The more you can calm your partner, the more of a calming presence you can bring in the long run. Bring more positive memories into your relationship during these periods of reconnection after an argument. 

When you are not in an argument ask your partner what you can do that soothes them. Also, let them know, if is there something they can do that soothes you. Prepare for the disagreements by having a positive reconnection activity following the fight. What matters most here is that your partner determines the method by which you help them calm down and that they enjoy it. One example: maybe a massage hitting their specific spots will do the trick!


Flooding is a normal reaction that most people go through. If we can understand flooding and know that we are incapable of using effective problem-solving skills, then we can better reconnect following a heated disagreement with our partners. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break when we need one! 


Dive Into the World of Emotional Flooding – Master the Art of Managing Overwhelm in Relationships!

Are you fascinated by the concept of “Emotional Flooding” and eager to improve your relationship communication skills? Join me in this enlightening exploration! Stay tuned for my latest discoveries and techniques in this vital area of relationship dynamics. Follow me on social media for insightful relationship advice, uplifting stories, and innovative strategies to fortify your emotional bonds. Become a part of an interactive community where I delve into the intricacies of handling intense emotions and fostering harmony in various types of relationships.

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Your participation is immensely valuable, and I’m thrilled to share this journey with you across these platforms. Together, we’ll navigate the complexities of emotional flooding and uncover groundbreaking ways to enhance your relationships!

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Have my insights on “Emotional Flooding” opened new avenues in your relationship understanding? I’m eager to hear about your experiences and your thoughts on strengthening your emotional connections. Your input is crucial in crafting content that resonates with your needs. Share your stories and suggestions below – your perspective is an essential part of our shared dialogue!

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