52 Questions Before Baby

 In couples counseling here in Fort Collins, I often find that the same word will have different definitions for each partner. It might sound unnecessary; however, giving each other real examples is crucial for communication between partners. We should define what these detailed needs look like. 

It is the same thing with starting a family. What does a “family” look like for you? What does it mean to have a baby? What about money, religion, politics, health, education, etc. when it comes to how you want to raise your child. Even with the same values, our details can be lost. You can set yourself up for success by discussing these points before your new baby comes along.



Even with the same values, your examples of how to meet these values are likely different from your partner’s examples.

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DIY AT-HOME ACTIVITY

Please read the rules before jumping into the questions. Set your conversation up for success by following these guidelines:

Guideline 1: If you are thinking about having a child with a partner, good communication is key to a successful family. These questions encourage open discussion about having a child before issues become emotionally charged. If you are thinking about parenting solo, these questions will guide you to think through how you envision your family. There are no right or wrong answers; your replies are simply a guide for the family you want. 

Do not let preconceived judgments get in the way of exploring what you feel. Your ideas, attitudes, and opinions are not set in stone and may change over time. You may want to go back and revisit previously considered topics.

Guideline 2: If you are working through the questions with a partner, do not argue if your answers are different. Hear what is being said and absorb it. If you reach an impasse, take a break, and come back to the question later. 

You might not want to address certain issues; think through why.

Do not rush. Pick a question, discuss it, and when you have exhausted the topic move on to the next question. You may cover several questions at once or spread them out over time.

If one line has more than one question, take your time, and go one at a time.

Have fun!

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Topic #1: Love

  1. What has influenced your decision to have or not have children? What, if anything, would change your mind? What is the timeline you have in mind for having children (a certain age, period, etc.)?
  2. If you already have children, what are the reasons to have more? What are the reasons not to?
  3. Is being a parent something you truly want, or is having a child something you feel you are “supposed to” do? In what ways are you emotionally prepared to parent? What is the longest period you have spent with a baby? How about a toddler, preschooler, pre-teen, or teen?
  4. Which of your qualities are best suited for parenting? Which do you feel needs improvement? What do you anticipate as the biggest challenge in parenting?
  5. What feelings and thoughts come to you when you think of being with a child of your own? Name three meaningful ways in which a baby will affect your life.
  6. What influences your decision to know or not know the gender before the baby is born? Will you be happy with either a girl or a boy?
  7. How do you feel about adoption, fostering, fertility treatment, and egg freezing? How do you feel about alternative ways to impact children’s lives (volunteering at a shelter or charity, being an active aunt/uncle, teaching, etc.)?
  8. What are your core child-rearing philosophies, styles, and techniques (set schedule vs baby demand, discipline: physical vs verbal, reward vs punishment, etc.)?
  9. Who can help you raise your child? Which community and/or family can you draw on for advice and support? What feelings arise when you think of taking care of an infant/child by yourself?
  10. Who would care for your child/ren if you were not able to? How much of this have you discussed with relevant parties?
  11. What aspects of your childhood would you like to emulate? What aspects would you like to be different for your child?
  12. If you own a pet, how might adding a baby affect that relationship?
  13. If you have a partner, how will you nourish your relationship as a couple when a child is vying for your attention and affection?

Topic #2: Social

  1. How will having a child change your lifestyle (smoking, drug use, sleep hours, work hours, spontaneity, free time, etc.)? What do you need to change in your environment to create a healthier space (safety, air quality, etc.)?
  2. What are the major issues in your family’s medical and mental health histories? What are your genetic concerns about having a child?
  3. How would you feel if you knew pregnancy would result in your child having physical or mental challenges? What are your feelings about genetic testing, abortion, etc.?
  4. How would you describe an ideal birth (birthing technique, midwife, doula, doctor, hospital, home birth, birthing center, epidural, etc.)? Who do you want to attend the birth? Whom, if anyone, do you want to help once you are home?
  5. Describe how you picture your everyday routine as a parent (changing diapers, feeding, playing, cleaning, juggling work, driving, bathing, etc.). List three ideas you would like to prioritize as part of your family routine (nightly family dinner, a day of the week off, etc.).
  6. What types of social events or outings will you do with your children? How do you feel about traveling with children? At what age and where?
  7. What rules do you plan to have for your child/ren (limits on certain food, TV, internet, etc.)? How scheduled do you think a child’s life should be (playdates, activities, free time, etc.)? What do you feel your role is in deciding who your children’s friends are?
  8. How will having a child affect your friendships? How will you seek out friendships with people who have children?
  9. With what religious and/or political beliefs and practices, if any, will you raise your child/ren?
  10. Will you create new family traditions and/or continue established ones? With or without relatives? How might you encourage or discourage your in-laws’ participation in your parenting?
  11. How will you decide what last name to give your child/ren (your name, your partner’s, hyphenating, combining, creating a new name, etc.)?
  12. What benefits and/or challenges will there be for your child/ren due to merging families, cultures, races, sexual orientations, etc.?
  13. What other families do you admire? How would you like your family to emulate them?

Topic #3: Work

  1. How long are you willing and able to take off work after the baby is born/adopted?
  2. How will having a child affect your work situation? Will you need to take more time off, change health insurance, negotiate flex time with your employer, etc.?
  3. How will you plan for childcare? How soon do you want to introduce childcare? How do you feel about utilizing babysitters, daycare, nannies, live-in help, etc.?
  4. What, if any, aspects of childcare do you feel strongly about doing yourself?
  5. Do you envision cutting back on work hours to participate more in childcare? If you decide to be a full-time caregiver, what value does this contribute toward the household and finances?
  6. How will you balance competing time demands of work and family? If you have a partner, when the workload balance gets lopsided, how will you address the issue?
  7. How will you decide who deals with family needs during work hours (doctor appointments, school meetings, emergencies, etc.)? During non-work hours?
  8. Regarding pregnancy, birth, developmental milestones, rites of passage, etc., who, if anyone, keeps family and friends up to date? Who, if anyone, will chronicle this experience?
  9. At what age should children be responsible for household chores? How many chores and which ones?
  10. How will you decide whether your children will have a public or private education? What are your priorities for children’s development and activities (education, sports, art, music, etc.)?
  11. How would you care for a child who required intensive assistance (due to injury, disease, birth defect, etc.)? What are you willing/not willing to do as a caretaker?
  12. How will you carve out time for yourself? How much private time and space do you need?
  13. What helps you cope with stress? How do you respond to sleep deprivation?

Topic #4: Money

  1. How much can you budget monthly for childcare (babysitter, daycare, nanny, etc.)? How much can you budget monthly for lessons and activities (music, dancing, sports, etc.)?
  2. Will family and/or friends help with childcare? For pay or for free? How heavily do you expect to rely on them? 
  3. How much money is “enough” to have a child? What non-essential material things do you think children should have? 
  4. What are your main strategies for providing for children during tough financial times?
  5. How do you feel about “hand me down” items versus new items?
  6. Will having children affect where you want to live (city, country, apartment, house, etc.)? How does this affect your finances (distance from family, cost of living, etc.)?
  7. How will you set up your will(s) to incorporate your child/ren? What are your feelings about life insurance?
  8. What kind of financial provision, if any, will you provide for your child/ren (bank accounts, education funds, trust funds, etc.)? What expenses, if any, do you expect to pay once a child has left home (travel home for holidays, rent for college, a car, etc.)?
  9. How will you handle cost-related items such as cell phones with children? If there is an allowance, is it automatic or tied to chores and behavior?
  10. What emotions does money bring up for you? What habits do you have regarding spending and saving?
  11. What are your feelings about children working at a job? Do you feel children should contribute some of their earned money to the household or charity?
  12. What kind of financial education will you plan for your children (lessons in credit card debt, having them hold summer jobs, etc.)?
  13. What steps can you take to help your child be ready for independence, financially and otherwise? At what age?

Some of these questions focus on when your child is a teen or older – why? To see how your thoughts and values align. It is not too early to have a general idea of what you would like to provide for your child. Getting a general idea now will be easier than waiting until it is time to figure it out. Of course, life and experiences happen, so you will need to be flexible. You can still take advantage of your excitement now by talking about something that may be more stressful in the future.

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Which topic did you find helpful? Was there a question that did not fit you and your partner? Let me know so I can help more couples in the future.

To purchase the card deck with these questions, visit: https://www.gottman.com/product/52-questions-before-baby/



Stay Tuned for More “Questions Before Baby” Insights!

Thank you for exploring “52 Questions Before Baby.” For continued guidance on preparing for parenthood, follow my updates. My commitment is to provide insights and strategies for prospective parents. On my social media channels, you’ll find valuable tips, inspiring stories, and practical advice to smoothly transition into your new role. Join a community of future parents where we discuss the nuances of starting a family and nurturing relationships.

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Your engagement and support mean a lot, and I’m thrilled to connect with you on these platforms. Let’s embark on this journey to responsible and joyous parenthood together!

Your Experiences Are Valuable

Has “52 Questions Before Baby” impacted your journey toward parenthood? I’m eager to hear your stories and tips. Your insights are vital in shaping content that resonates with your parenting journey. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section. Each perspective helps enrich our collective understanding!

Dive Deeper on My Blog

For more in-depth discussions and daily insights on preparing for a baby, visit my blog. You’ll find articles dedicated to essential topics like communication, financial planning, and emotional readiness—key areas covered in “Questions Before Baby.” Each blog post aims to assist you in strengthening your partnership and preparing for the arrival of your new family member.

Remember, every question asked and answered is a step towards a more prepared and confident approach to parenting. I’m here to offer guidance and support in this exciting chapter of your life. Let’s make each day a meaningful step towards welcoming your baby.





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